let there be light

I used to be this one girl.  Innocent, understanding, and basically, just good.  A good friend, a good Christian, a good person.  Then it bugged me when people didn't like me because I didn't understand why.  Now it bugs me because I can.

Sometimes I miss how I was.  Sometimes I am SO thankful for the change.  I look back on my 15-year-old self and realize how naive and close-minded I was.  But really I just knew who I was and where I was going.  I still have goals and beliefs now a days, but none that I stick to like I did back then.  Although it significantly limited me sometimes, it was rather nice to have something to always fall back on... to know something to such an extent that I would build my life around it.  And it really did make me a better person.  I haven't stopped believing it, but I have started to question things.  I have been taught more recently that being open and asking questions is a mark of intelligence... it's how you figure out who you are and what you believe.  But I think that I might be better off if I hadn't asked some of these questions to begin with.

So, what really matters in all of this?  Change.  Which there very well may not be any of.  But I am definitely going to try.  I don't want to be that girl again.  I couldn't even if I tried.  But I do want to reteach myself how to love people the right way.   I used to enjoy certain people's company because they were kind or funny or easy to be around.  Now I seem to have been brainwashed into believing that intelligence is what matters.  But I don't want to put my faith in logic.  Just watch one of those CIA movies and then tell me if you want your faith in that system or in one based on love.  Not that it's flawless, and the CIA movies are rather interesting, but that sort of thing just makes me feel so empty.  I liked it better when I could have faith and love people for the good that they can offer.

That's the girl that I want to be, and that's the girl I will try to be.