let there be light

I feel like I might be changing.  Or maybe the change is coming.  I guess it's inevitable.

So, I'm eighteen.  I bought a lottery ticket.  Didn't win anything.  I wanted to get my cartilage pierced, but Leanna made me call my mom and ask.  And, of course, she said no.
I still had a good birthday though.

No service at our hotel.  It's driving me crazy.  Right now I'm siting about 3 inches from my bedroom window with one hand holding my phone up in the one place where I seem to get half a bar of service.  Which is just enough to send and receive text messages.  Incidentally, this spot is not anywhere convenient so that I might set my phone down and wait for a message to appear...no...this spot is about 5 feet off the ground, so I have to hold it there.  So, you may ask, why am I even bothering with texts?  Well, my boyfriend is not allowed to call me, so my chance to talk to him is right now before I go to bed.  Of course, I can also do this (type a blog) because there is so much time in between the texts.  Although, it really isn't very efficient to type with one hand.  Hell yeah, I just found another place on the edge of the bed that gets service.

Also, I just watched Star Wars The Revenge of the Sith.  It was soooo sad.  My dad kept making "swish" light saber noises.  But it was so sad how Anakin and Patme couldn't be together anymore.

"Love people who are unlovable. Give grace to people who don't deserve it. Forgive people who don't ask for it."

That's what my youth minster said to us on the most unfair day of my life, her last day with us.  I think that's the best advice anyone's ever given me.

I used to be this one girl.  Innocent, understanding, and basically, just good.  A good friend, a good Christian, a good person.  Then it bugged me when people didn't like me because I didn't understand why.  Now it bugs me because I can.

Sometimes I miss how I was.  Sometimes I am SO thankful for the change.  I look back on my 15-year-old self and realize how naive and close-minded I was.  But really I just knew who I was and where I was going.  I still have goals and beliefs now a days, but none that I stick to like I did back then.  Although it significantly limited me sometimes, it was rather nice to have something to always fall back on... to know something to such an extent that I would build my life around it.  And it really did make me a better person.  I haven't stopped believing it, but I have started to question things.  I have been taught more recently that being open and asking questions is a mark of intelligence... it's how you figure out who you are and what you believe.  But I think that I might be better off if I hadn't asked some of these questions to begin with.

So, what really matters in all of this?  Change.  Which there very well may not be any of.  But I am definitely going to try.  I don't want to be that girl again.  I couldn't even if I tried.  But I do want to reteach myself how to love people the right way.   I used to enjoy certain people's company because they were kind or funny or easy to be around.  Now I seem to have been brainwashed into believing that intelligence is what matters.  But I don't want to put my faith in logic.  Just watch one of those CIA movies and then tell me if you want your faith in that system or in one based on love.  Not that it's flawless, and the CIA movies are rather interesting, but that sort of thing just makes me feel so empty.  I liked it better when I could have faith and love people for the good that they can offer.

That's the girl that I want to be, and that's the girl I will try to be.

hard to say what it is i see in you,
wonder if i'll always be with you,
words can't say, i can't do
enough to prove, it's all for you